Lady in Waiting...

I think I have said it before...but I am going to say it again - I am on the verge of something new.  And I still don't know what it is - but it is coming! I am so excited to see what God is going to do in my life. I have a funny feeling that this new adventure is not what I have expected!

I have been reminded lately of Isaiah 55:8,9:
"for my thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways", declares the Lord. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts are than your thoughts."

I am sure that I am not the only one with this struggle. We all have desires, hopes and dreams. Whether it is ministry, new location, healing, marriage, children, a new job, a new home, a change of situation - We all have some hope within us.

Sometimes God places people or opportunities into my path and I am sure that this has something to do with my next adventure. It sends my mind and thoughts swirling of the endless possibibilities that He could do with it...then things change and I have to refocus or redirect my thinking.  Sometimes I am disappointed and sometimes I am relieved! Eventually I can see those disappointing thoughts as a way of God protecting me from something that was not apart of His plan.

As I am in this waiting stage of life, I take great comfort from the truth that His plan is already layed out for me. I desire for my thoughts and ways to meld into His thoughts and ways. I want to think as He thinks, plan as He plans, and dream for those plans and thoughts for me.

I want to step when He says step, willing to take a risk but also accepting when He says wait or no - all waiting on His timing.

It is funny because there are moments when I can stronly believe that THIS is the time - but then God shows He has other plans. I don't like to wait for somethings. I love seeing end results. But I know that healing takes time and it is in the process of healing that learning takes place.

So, right now, God has me waiting because I am convinced that His timing and plan is perfect. And as I wait I will continuously dig into the Word, seek His face, read inspiring books, serve as He gives opportunity, minister to the ones He brings my way, pray intensely, learn from anyone I can - and of course live life to the fullest!

This life is not about getting what I want but loving what He gives me!

  

Freedom...

Freedom

The mountain wall is high

Seemingly overwhelming

I look up, wanting to get beyond it

The more and more I try, I fail.

I lose all hope

And continue to walk around

searching endlessly

I continue in my lost and hopeless way.

I fear the climb, and fail in trying -

Wishing  I had wings of eagles,

then I could soar  over

 this mountain that looms above.

I stop and listen to a voice above,

Recognizing then, all that makes up my mountain.

I see sin, fear, insecurity,

Hopelessness, loneliness and rejection.

My mountain, as it seemed

Was not made by Him,

But placed there by me

And my responses to my life.

I kneel before my Maker

Humbled and amazed

At His amazing Grace

And restoration

He whispers softly, I can not hear

Because of my cries.

He speaks louder, I hear a faint voice

Then, He shouts to me over my weeping,

“Daughter, Be Free!”

He reveals to me

His hope, love, forgiveness and friendship

And oh, so much more.

My heart is humbled by His mercy

And my head no longer hangs in shame,

But is lifted high -

Meeting eye to eye with my Friend.

We look at this mountain together

And begin to chisel and conquer

The pain of abuse, the deception of sin,

The hopelessness of loneliness.

I soon see before me, the mountain wall

Come crumbling, becoming smaller and smaller

Then I look and see I am soaring

On the wings of my Savior

My heart is freed

No longer enslaved to sin

Freed from the pain of the past

Free - I am free at last.

He has brought healing to this heart

In order to set me free

I can now walk in confidence

                                           On this Journey with Jesus and me

* Dedicated to a friend who has walked this path and knows...

Walls and pathways

Monday was the first day that it has felt like Spring - despite still being Winter - so I thought I could use a walk.  I couldn't concentrate any longer at work and my heart has been burdened by several things.  Lately, I been getting the sense the Lord is trying to move me - and I want to be moved - but I feel stuck.  The question of my life's purpose has been invading my soul so deeply that my zest for life has been impacted.  I have been struggling with finding joy in my work and feel that I might need to move on.  So - I decided to leave work early and get my heart and mind refocused. 

With my Ipod's help - worship music flooded my ears and heart - reminding me that it is through Christ that I receive restoration and joy admist challenging times. Marriages that are falling apart, the death of a child, a woman making the toughest decision of her life, a friend being confronted with her past hurts, relationships just not being the same, and hopes being crushed....are only just a few things that I have been carrying around with me.
I came to a wall... a rock wall...

"For by You I can run upon a troop; And by my God I can leap over a wall." Ps 18:29

I have always loved this verse since it reminds me of the challenges we face in life and it is only God that can help us scale and conquer those challenges.  I thought about my walls that I am facing...walls of restlessness, walls of disappointment, walls of fear, walls apathy, walls of regret, and walls of loss.  I can't say I have torn down those walls quite yet, because I think it will take some time to deal with the foundation of those walls, but I was comforted by that verse and many others knowing that God has the dynamite to blow them up and put together the pieces in order to build a strong tower for me to stand on.

As my journey continued, I walked along side the road near my house and was I soon captured by pathway to the creek.  The road seemed a little boring and at times dangerous - so I thought I would take the path back to my house....I created for myself a little hardship - to say the least. The "path" was not really a pathway - just an area that has not grown in yet from the winter.  I soon realized that the area is probably not walkable during the spring and summer becuase of all the brush - but I thought I would just keep going. 

Yep...not much of a good trail -huh?  I am sure that I looked a little funny trying to duck under brush and despartely trying to not get my eye poked out by a wondering stick!  But I kept going. I did realize that it was very hard for me to focus on my worship music at that point - and I just wanted to get over that creek and go home! I thought there would a good place to cross over but that placed was getting hard to find! Eventually I found a spot with some rocks that looked steady and a tree branch and root that was within reach. I knew once I stepped on the rock I was committed.  As I stepped on the branch - testing it first of course - with both feet, my then dry shoes became immersed in water as the root broke and I found myself in shin deep of water!  I kinda got stuck on that branch and I had to use my former gymnastics moves to get myself out from under the tree without falling back into the water!  However - I did reach the other side!

As I walked back to my house to get some dry clothes on - I realized that I would have been back to my house about 10 minutes earlier had I just stayed on the road!  The Lord also caught my attention by reminding me how often we take the more difficult way sometimes by the choices we make in life.  That even though He will see us through the other side - sometimes with a story to tell - there are also consequences that we face as a result of our choices. I just pray I can make the best decisions to bring Glory to Him as I walk this journey! 

Crazy Love

So a change I am trying to make in my life is increasing my reading - lately it hasn't been so good.  I can think of multiple reasons - when all day I am looking at my computer screen, the road in front of my, or words on a page...that the last thing I want to do is use my brain even more when I get home. But still, my mind feels mushy so I need to do something about that. So, here is the stack of books that is immediately next to my bed...

Thankfully, the Narnia book is almost complete so my stack can decrease by 2 inches!  But even when that disappears there are two more book shelves for me to dig into!  The top book, Crazy Love, is the one I am digging into right now.  It is such an easy read that it would very tempting to just read through it quickly to say that I finished another book, but I am afraid I am going to miss something! I am only on the first few chapters but it is such a simple yet deep reminder of the God that I love.

Here are a couple of key points so far...

In the preface, Chan writes..."The core problem isn't the fact taht we're lukewarm, halfhearted, or stagnant Christians. THe crux of it all is why we are this way, and it is because we have an inaccurate view of God. We see Him as a benevelant Being who is satisfied when people manage to fit Him into their lives in some small way.  We forget that God never had an identity crisis. He knows that He is great and deserves to be the center of our lives."

"In our world, where hundreds of things distract us from God, we have to intentionally and consistently remind ourselves of Him."   Oh, how I need to be more intentional in every moment to keep Him the center of my existence - because He is the source of my existence!

"The point of your life is to point to Him."  I like that one...especially as we all try to figure out what is the point of our lives! It is to point to Him - in everything that we do!

I so want my pointer to be waving excitedly towards the Father who is the Creator of the Universe, the King of Kings, and the joy of my life so that all around me can know who to glorify!

Changes

Gotta love New Years!  It is a time that most people think about starting something new and make resolutions.  I think I have given up on resolutions but not on change.  I always say that when I need to make a change in life, especially eating habits, that I start at the new month. There is something about the freshness of a new month - especially a new year...  How amazing it would be for me to say in October 2011 that I haven't consumed any bad sugar since 1-1-11!  Too bad - already broke that one! Then I just say I will start on Sunday - because it is the start of a new week!  I love how we think - it is so warped at times!

Either way - I really do want to see God make some changes in my life this year.  It is exciting to see what He will do in my life - the changes that He will make in my heart and mind in order to continue my restoration and healing process.  I was just reading in Mark 3 about Jesus healing a man with a crippled hand on the Sabbath.  The Pharisees were filled with rage over Jesus' actions of healing on the Sabbath.  Of course Jesus was challenging a very deep religious concept and they could not stand it!  And Jesus, just prior to healing the man, looked around with anger and grieved over their hard hearts.  I love the last part of that verse...After he felt grief over the Pharisees - he turned to the man - with the joy of doing what is good and right - told him to stretch out his hand, and in doing so the man's hand was restored! I really would have loved to have heard this man's thoughts as he is standing there in front a man he did not know, with religious leaders that most likely he revered and hearing a major conflict between two parties.  He made a choice, however, and that was to listen to the voice of Jesus - in faith, he stretched out his hand and was restored. 

I really appreciated that passage becasue it makes me excited about restoration and how it comes about. Restoration comes after obedience in faith.  We may not see physical restoration as this man did, but there is something deeper than can come - that of spiritual restoration - spiritual healing.  Deep inward peace that can only come from our Father!

Life...

Gotta love birthday's! 37 (techincally 38) years ago today, my parents welcomed their surprise child into the world and added a 4th to their quiver!  I have been told that they were done having children after my sister 5 years earlier, but God had other plans....  I love being a surprise child because on those days that I can't seem to grasp God's purpose for me, I can remember that He gave me life in the womb of a mother who's intention was to not have any more children.  He wanted me here! I can't argue with that! 

"For you have formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;"

I am so thankful for the love that I have experienced in life from family and friends over the years. I have seen God do amazing things in my life over these years.  It is hard to believe that I have completed 37 years of life and starting another one! As I reflect on the years that I have completed I can only see God's grace in my life.  I have been to some amazing places and met incredible people.  I have made choices that I am not proud of and I am thankful that God gave me the wisdom to make good ones as well.  There have been tears and laughter,  and heartbreaks and joys.  He has been with me all the way!

He is so good....

The best thing about my life is that He not only gave me physical life, but He has given me spriritual life.  A life that has been given only by Him!  He rescued me from darkness and adopted me into His family, for which I am not worthy! (Col 1:13, 14) How much more amazing can it get!  Oh how I long to live for Him each day to show Him how thankful I am for saving me! 

So, as I look forward to another year of adventures with my Savior and Father, I sit in awe of His grace and Sovereignity.  I am excited to see how He will change me as I seek His face daily and how He will use me to restore other's souls.  He has a purpose for my life - and I love that!

"...so that You will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; " Col 1:10

Reflection

I think this time of year is often about reflection...Reflection of the year, what God has done, the places He has taken us, the Joys we have experienced, and the challenges that He has brought us through.  I love the fact that each new day is just that - New...!  That just reminded me of a great line in Anne of Green Gables - "That is a great consolation, Ms. Stacy - tomorrow is always fresh -with no mistakes in it." 

I am working on a project right now during my vacation time that I can only do in bits and pieces.  I am taking old journals and typing them into my computer to store. It is a little weird writing something over again what was written years before, but is also enlightening...and depressing.

I have been typing from the winter of 2004.  In those early months of 2004, my sister-in-law's mother went home to be with the Lord, my twin neice and nephew turned 6, and I took a trip to Florida for vacation.  My struggle with spending time with the Lord, battling the flesh, and wondering about my purpose in life - was very evident.  It was depressing.  It is easy to look back and see the mistakes that I have made and become overwhelmed with the sense of failure- wondering if I have made any progress in this spiritual journey.  Thankfully, with God's grace, I am reminded that He has done a good work in me over the years and that He promises to continue to do a good work in my life.  Change always has to occur and I am looking forward to the new things that He will teach me today.  I want to keep my eyes and ears open for the Holy Spirit to whisper - and shout - what I need to learn. 

Maybe I will start putting some of my old journal selections in here - they have been insightful for me.  But for now - I must get ready to go to the chiropractor! 

Looking ahead with you...